Perfect In Time

klok

Shall I share something really personal with you? I am scared. Scared to death of getting sick and having to throw up. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But still, I am. So the last week has felt like a century to me. I have been staring at this clock. Watched the minutes go by. Waiting for the sickness in the house, in my body, to pass. Panicking. Even I think it sounds stupid when I read this. But the fear is real enough. And very persistent.

Ofcourse I thought about what causes this. I analyze everything, so this is no exception. And I realize that for me it's mostly a matter of control.  Of losing control, to be more precize. Apparently, losing control over my body, over what it does, is one of the worst things that can happen to me. When I am alone, but even more when I am in the company of other people.

Why is it that I feel the need to be in control, to be perfect? Why is it that so many feel that need? I am convinced that that need is a problem for a lot of people these days. The need to have the perfect body, the perfect lifes, the perfect job, the perfect family. And silly enough we compare ourselves to films and magazines, to manipulated pictures and stories. We set our goals to a certain failure.

Silly, indeed. I am going to set my goal to not being afraid anymore. I won't let the fear of failure, of being less than perfect, rule my life. I am going to do something about my fear of nausea. And I am going to learn myself to believe what I want to shout out to all those other people out there:

 "Stop worrying. Stop panicking. You are beautiful. You are perfect in your imperfection. You are you. And that's the best you can be."

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

6 comment(s) for “Perfect In Time”

  1. Gravatar of AmandaAmanda Says:
    Thursday, December 10, 2009
    This was beautiful to read because my husband is struggling with non-epileptic seizures right now (brought on by stress & anxiety). Talk about not being able to control your body! And the worrying and the panicking, only make it worse. Ugh. I can breathe a little bit more.

    Thank you for the good words. Hope you can find that peace.
  2. Gravatar of sophiesophie Says:
    Thursday, December 10, 2009
    I can completely relate, I really don't like to vomit either, it is something that I fear as well, you are not alone. I have this huge fear that I will be sitting in a public place and people will think I smell bad, seriously, that fear is with me all the time. i do think it is a fear of losing control since our bodies are capable of doing plenty of things without our consent!! I really hope your house is cleansed of all sickness very soon. Thinking of you!
    xx
  3. Gravatar of ThimbleannaThimbleanna Says:
    Thursday, December 10, 2009
    I sure hope the sickness is gone soon -- you never know, you probably won't get it. I rarely had the fevers that my children did -- the sniffles were another story. I think loss of control represents a fear of the unknown -- it's really hard not to know what will happen to you -- I think that's why so many of us plan so much. Good luck with your worry -- you have NOTHING to be afraid of -- this is a beautiful blog!
  4. Gravatar of MistyMisty Says:
    Thursday, December 10, 2009
    I have a somewhat similar fear or needles - for me I believe its about the loss of my bodily integrity if something pierces my skin. I am also afraid of blood. Strangely, I have no issues putting earrings in my pierced ears.

    I remember as a child being so proud the day that I threw up and did not cry, like I had reached an important milestone in my maturity.

    Best wishes to you!
  5. Gravatar of Veronica DarlingVeronica Darling Says:
    Friday, December 11, 2009
    You are perfect because you are you. Let your mind accept that it's true and the things that worry will slowly just become irksome and tiny... Our lives are so busy and so full of things that aren't really important, you are wonderful as yourself. xoxo
  6. Gravatar of Karin @ madebykKarin @ madebyk Says:
    Tuesday, December 15, 2009
    What a timely post. My cousin is living with us for two years and she and I are a lot alike in terms of our perfectionism. So we've been having some interesting discussions lately. Whereas I sometimes fall into the trap subconsciously, she literally says she wants this, that or the other thing in her life to be "perfect." Recently we decided there's only one thing we can be "perfect" at and that's at being imperfect. : )

    I also just got a book from the library, The Relief of Imperfection, by Joan Webb. It's definitely written from a Christian perspective, but it has some very interesting parts so far and covers imperfection in all parts of life: relationships, work, time, body issues, etc. And reading her book in which she often quotes other authors, I see there are a TON of other books out there about perfection. So clearly, you and i are not alone in this.

    So anyway, thanks for this "personal" post. It's so interesting to read this kind along with the ones on sewing and candles and beauty... perhaps because it's a reminder that you're real. And your life looks charming and beautiful not because every aspect of it actually IS charming and beautiful but rather because those are the parts you choose to see and notice and revel in. You know what I mean?

    All that said, I do hope you avoid the actual throwing up parts. : ) It really is the pits! And good luck on the journey of giving up control and being "perfectly imperfect."

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